Nervous before speaking? Borrow some calm.
Your words matter. So does the state you’re speaking from.
By Jana Denker
We spend a lot of time preparing our words for difficult conversations.
Before a presentation, we polish the slides and check the numbers. Before a speech we practice our performance. And before finally asking for this thing....we anticipate the other person’s response and try to find the right words for that, too.
But it can be just as useful to prepare for how you want to feel while saying them.
You can know your material inside out and still find yourself rushing through your points. Or your carefully prepared boundary script "No, I can't do this." ... just is gone... once you see their dissapointed face.
So if you feel nervous, borrow a little calm.
Where? Form the things and people around you.
We respond to the people and environments around us.
Listen to a voice that settles you
Put on a podcast, audiobook or recording with someone whose voice you find calming. The subject doesn’t particularly matter.
Listen to their pace. Let yourself spend a few minutes in the company of someone who isn’t rushing.
Spend time with someone who feels steady
You probably know someone who rarely seems hurried. Have a coffee with them. Talk to them for a few minutes before the meeting.
Sometimes another person’s steadiness makes it easier to find our own. Nervous systems read each other. We can use this.
Widen your gaze
Step outside if you can and look around. When we’re stressed, our attention can become very narrow. Let your eyes take in more: the buildings, the sky, the trees, the room around you. You don’t need to stare at anything. Just let yourself see more of what is there
Find something solid
Notice something physical and steady. The wooden table beneath your hands. A tree outside. The weight of your body in the chair and the floor underneath your feet.
Give your attention to something that isn’t asking anything from you.
Choose something that brings you back to yourself
Sit with someone you feel comfortable with. Stroke your dog. Put on music you love.
Choose something familiar that helps you feel more like yourself before you enter a situation in which you might be tempted to leave yourself behind.
None of this is about becoming perfectly calm before you speak. A little more steadiness can simply make it easier to tolerate the pause after you say no.
To stay with what you meant when the other person looks disappointed. To listen without immediately reacting.
Sometimes preparing for a difficult conversation means finding the right words.
Sometimes it means preparing the ground from which you’ll say them.
Your words matter. So does the state you’re speaking from.
Comments